Merry poppis and the dimwitteds' cookie
by Merry Poppis
Summary: Merry lived in harmony with his beloved relatives. One day a letter came proclaiming him a wizard and very reluctanly he entered a new world, full of annoying people. Can he survive leaving his cousin? What about the Recipe? And will there be pumpkins?
1. The boy who was cursed

**The boy who was cursed**

Mr and Mrs Deutsch moved from Streussenhaben (Germany), for no less than 15 years ago, to domicile into the polluted pesthole, which most people usually call London. Mr German Deutsch was a very good-natured, slightly overweight man who loved children and German sausage, preferably the so-called Bratwurst, his native country's proud national dish. Generally he wore green brace/knee breeches, with a white shirt underneath, decorated with lots of grease marks (from the sausage). He was very fond of his job, which naturally could not be anything but the top executive at his own enterprise; Sausage Jawohl AB, which manufactured the best sausages in the country (according to himself; however the critics did not agree at all). Mrs Buttercup Deutsch was a sinewy hag, very manipulative and mean. She had married Mr Deutsch solely because of the brass farthing. She spent all her time at home, idling, while glowering at her son, Paddy, whom she hated. She deeply regretted the night they created the ugly little freak. The Deutsch's lived thereby a normal, however a bit routine-like, life in the suburban. BUT!!! Who came THEN into their lives if not little Merry Poppis, nephew of Mrs Deutsch. Their lives would never be the same again.

Everything began on a perfectly normal Tuesday. When Mr Deutsch was on his way to work he saw something most unusual: There was a scabby gorgonian cur, which sat eyeing the garden wall, with what Mr Deutsch perceived as very seductive bedroom eyes. He rubbed his pig eyes for a moment. When he looked again, the dog was at full steam to excitedly cadge the poor garden wall. Mr Deutsch intook a disgusted face and sat down in the car, whence he drove away.

On the way to his job, he saw more odd things than the waggle dog. What he saw? Well, it was… notably. He saw: A man with spangled pink trousers who climbed a lamp post, a naked dwarf merely dressed in spectacles who blew his nose, a nun in a sports car who picked up a couple of innocent unsuspecting young men, and a Moomin troll who glanced at his watch with an impatient look on his face.

Meanwhile Mrs Deutsch sat at home on the couch, doing nothing but eat out of her big bag of crisps, while Paddy fell out through the window on the second floor. He hurt himself rather severely.

At the dead of night an old geezer wearing a straightjacket appeared outside the Deutsch house. Soon he had released himself from the jacket, whence he began throwing pebbles and smashing all the lamp post lights nearby. The scabby waggle dog, which had been waiting on the garden wall the entire day, then transformed into a daringly dressed woman.

"But hellooo McDreamagall", the lunatic burst out.

"Hi there Dumlefool", the dog woman replied, "what are you doing here, I thought you were at the madhouse?"

"Yes but I escaped", the mental patient answered with a blithesome voice.

"But what are you doing here then?"

Dumlefool just shrugged. "And yourself?"

"There has been an act of terror again, towards the Poppis family this time. Lord Violenty is behind it, he murdered Jammy & Silly. The kid survived with only a curse over him and a dorky question mark in the forehead. He is presumably mentally deranged and generally environmentally damaged now, so I was going to dump him with his muggle relatives for now."

Dumlefool looked extremely bored by this time. "Don't you have any Dumle toffees?"

McDreamagall sighed testily. "Did you not listen you old devil? I have no time with any damned toffees."

Dumlefool poked his tongue out and sat down at the waggle garden wall to mope. Then they suddenly heard a humming sound. An enormous motorcycle with an equally enormous man came flying and landed in front of the duo.

"Hi there HubbaBubba you slow bastard", said McDreamagall seductively.

HubbaBubba grunted as reply, and negligently threw a bundle over to Dumlefool.

"What am I gonna do with this?"

McDreamagall ripped the kid away from him. "Nothing at all you psycho, I just told you I am going to leave him here. I will leave a postcard to let them know who the intruder is."

The woman left the pack, containing Merry Poppis, at the muggles' threshold so that he would get a fat smack the next morning when Mr Deutsch unsuspectingly opened the door on his way to work.

"By the way HubbaBubba, what a sexy motorbike you have bought", said McDreamagall when the trio left the street.

"Yeah, right… bought… ehhrmohem", he harrumphed as reply.

Swedish word explanations:

Moomin troll = "mumintroll", a creature in a Finnish fairytale by Tove Janson

Dumle toffees = "Dumlekolor"

HubbaBubba = "hubbabubba", a big chewing gum good for blowing bubbles


	2. The glass which was smashed

**The glass which was smashed**

Ten years later Merry Poppis woke up to the balmy twitter of birds. The first sunbeams of the day stroked his ugly face and dazzled him.

"Wake up, cousin!" a merry voice said, "It's my birthday today!!!"

"Oh, hi! Congrats Fatty Boy", Merry jovially greeted Paddy Deutsch and put on his friendship necklace looking like a half heart (Paddy had the other half).

"Get yourself dressed so we can eat breakfast together!"

Merry dressed himself quickly, and took Paddy under the arm. Together they lollopped downstairs just to show how truly good friends they were.

Despite that they were the best of friends they still were very different by the looks. Paddy was fat as a beach ball, and loved everything that involved food. He also loved superheroes and wanted to be one himself (thereby the nickname Fatty Boy). He had platinum colored hair by nature, and that in combination with his D-cups made him look like a younger and fatter Pamela Anderson.

Merry was skinny due to many causes (he was very picky because he was a spoiled whipster, and he was also allergic to everything sweet). Furthermore Merry had a scar formed as a question mark in the forehead. Paddy did not have one. In contrast with his cousin Merry did not have any ambitions at all, and he did not look like a celebrity either, rather an ugly little boy with blue-black hair and lime green eyes hidden by a pair of round, big and above all geeky glasses.

Mr Deutsch hugged both of them (while Mrs Deutsch glared so sourly that the milk in the pancakes clabbered). "Jawohl und guten morgen on you, meine little sweethearts, and congratulations little Paddy!"

"I'm not small anymore!" Paddy said gladly, "I'm actually eleven now."

"OK, but sit down and eat so you grow more and while the pancakes are warm, so will you get the presents later."

Mrs Deutsch slapped down the breakfast and toddled away, viciously muttering.

After the breakfast (with sour pancakes) and the presents (Paddy shared five kilos of sweets with Merry which they devoured way too fast so that they whimpering fell to the ground – Merry got an allergic shock but it ceased), the whole family went to a zoo. Except Mrs Deutsch because she was a sourpuss.

Once there they goggled at animals, which one usually does at zoo. In the reptile house Merry sauntered to the most obese snake.

"Ha ha, what a fat snake", said Merry mockingly.

"You have not sssuch a sssuperb physssique yourssselfff", the snake hissed.

Merry, who was unused being offended, at the very least by a snake, started a heated discussion with the snake. Several minutes later said the snake something so intemperately insolent ("Pumpkinsss are disssgusssting!"), that Merry furiously smashed the glass with his fist and thereafter tried to choke the snake.

"Take it back! Damn reptile!"

"Fffuck you, I would give you the fffinger ifff I jussst had one", the snake hissed.

Paddy, alias Fatty Boy, came toddling to them. "What're you doing?"

"The snake insulted me!"

"What? How can a snake insult you?"

Merry froze to reflect. When he did not find any normal answer he gave up the fight with the snake, and lulled away with Paddy to find Mr Deutsch. It was not until they were on their way back from the reptile house when Merry discovered that the glass he had broken was whole again. Unfortunately the snake was on the outside of the glass.

"Niccce of you to releassse me, but I ssstill hate both you and pumpkinsss", the snake hissed. Merry settled for shaking his fist.

Swedish dictionary:

Poppis = slang for "populär", popular

Pamela Anderson = a Swedish celebrity


	3. Letter junket

**Letter junket**

A few days later the whole family sat at the dinner table and discussed Merry and Paddy's future school attendance. The lads would be in the same class, and they planned to look as identical as possible their first school day. That was not the easiest because they were everything but physically alike.

"I'll get some glasses and you Merry have to bleach your hair so we both look like bratz!" cried Paddy eagerly from the toilet where he for the time being was.

"Yees sure", nodded Merry frenetically, "And by the way you Paddy have to reduce weight while I eat as much as I humanly can without vomiting or dying of eutrophication."

"OK then we begin today!"

Later the same week Merry had gained 20 kilos and Paddy had begun to faint every half an hour due to hunger. Merry had also bleached his black hair, and Paddy could hardly see because of the thick glasses which he did not need, but his father had bought anyway as the doormat he was. Furthermore Merry planned to get platform shoes so that their heights would be the same. They were going to wear identical clothing – of course – school uniform which consisted of orange trousers with a very big pocket at the front, a long-sleeved sweater which was luminescent and neon coloured in glaringly lilac and a pink turban with the text **Schlagerbööög typ ba** broidered at the back. In order to strengthen the pupils' egos even more everyone would also bring their private sub-machine gun (so they had something to disport themselves with during the breaks).

Two weeks before the school started Merry got a letter. In the beginning he assumed it was a prank letter or a letter-bomb, which was what he usually got. He finally realized after many hours rock hard concentration that was not the case. He opened the letter and tried for three hours to read it, but then realized he could not. Four days later he gave it to his uncle and aunt to read it for him. It said:

"_**Dear Mr. Poopis, **__daaaamn it! __**I mean POPPIS,**_

_**Thou are hereby accepted to one of the most infamous, **__daaaamn it again I mean __**superior schools in Great Britain. **__But helloo McDreamagall, you really suit without clothes…… hmmmmmmmmmm……..ahahahahaha……… Yes! Yes! YES……… Mmmmmm… Where was I? Yeah, right, __**The school's name is Dogwarts **__oippsie I mean __**Frogwarts. Thou shalt be on platform 9 ¾ the 1/9 7:00 am. Do not be late! **__BECAUSE THE HUBBABUBBA WILL COME AND GET YOU…_

_**Thou shalt purchase following items:**_

_**Three changings of simple work wear (spangled)**_

_**One simple turban in the school's colours (red and brown)**_

_Condoms in case HubbaBubba gets you_

_**One pair of thongs/too tight underpants, whichever you prefer, for festive occasions**_

_**One winter cloak**_

_One blueberry pie or such ___

_**One pointed hat/nightcap**_

"_**Basic spells for dummies" by Veranda Npoibn**_

"_**History of magic squared" by Myrenda Toustou**_

"_**Transfiguration and other crap" by Emerwald Föö**_

_You can also bring sweets in big bags, which you can give to me if you want some more points :D_

"_**Magical stuff and stump and stunt etc. etc." by Fli Gurrli**_

"_**Three billions of herbs and such" by Matt Fatpearl**_

"_**The skill to hurt others and repair things" by Anonymous**_

_**One wand**_

_**One pair of golden binoculars and a golden cauldron**_

_**A **__crazy__** pet: toad, cat or a big raptor **__which can protect you against HubbaBubba and other maniacs, undersigned included… Moahahahaha…_

_**Good luck! I hope You will be on time, **__for your sake…_

_**See ya!**_

_**The headmaster, Acke Dumlefool"**_

Merry glared insolently at his relatives. "What? I wasn't listening…" He glanced in the direction of the TV.

His uncle repeated the long and insane letter after he had turned off the TV. Merry's reaction yet defaulted though.

"You will start at a wizards' school Merry!" Buttercup giggled. She seemed to be euphoric with happiness for once.

Merry observed her stupidly. "I don't want to, why should I go there and not Paddy", he said with a whiny little voice, "And who the hell's HubbaBubba?"

"Because you are a wizard. We have told you a hundred thousand times, it never seems to sink into your darned head", said Buttercup who still appeared to be very happy.

Merry went from there and sat down on the couch, whence he began to fret on the coffee-table, as he so often had done when he was younger and had experienced something traumatic.

"Come ooooooon don't do like that again, think of something new instead", Buttercup said with her usual spiteful voice.

The following days Merry's aunt and uncle did everything to convince Merry to go. They had different reasons; Mr Deutsch wanted him to make full use of his potential, and therefore had to take this chance, Mrs Deutsch on the other hand just wanted to get rid of him, as so many others (Merry had a very bad reputation because he had the habit to lay letter-bombs in the neighbours' mailboxes and sometimes even posed on top of people's chimneys, smeared in Johnson's baby oil and carbon pretending to be a myling).

Soon the gossip spread among the neighbours that there was a possibility that Merry could enter a boarding-school far far away. Hence there was now many who tried to convince him to go. They all had different lines of action… A popular method was to threat/beat the crap out of him. Mrs Deutsch was the eagerest attendant of them all. Mr Deutsch and a few others tried to bribe him, or in other more peaceful ways encourage him to depart.

The only one who did not want Merry to leave them was Paddy, who became totally hysterical and generally unstable whenever anyone said anything about Merry's contingent departure, which was almost all the time, as the neighbours constantly pressed their pig noses against the window glass, in the hope of succeeding to unnerve them. When the beginning of term approached the neighbours became more and more persistent – and violent – in their attempts, so finally the family had had enough and fled one night under the protection of the darkness.

They travelled in the family's rusty wretched-mobile for twenty-four hours. Once in a while Mr Deutsch turned sharply amid the traffic and drove in the wrong direction for a while, in case of some extra fanatic neighbour would like to play car chase.

"Shake 'em off… Shake 'em off", he would mutter whenever he did this.

The road ended at noon the following day. They were right now in a harbour which was empty, with the exception of a luxurious yacht. Naturally they stole it. Hunted by bilious gangsters they whizzed through the water like a beaver on its way to a tree, until they got to a desert island. A lonely, threadbare, skinny man sped to them with a hopeful smile.

"Hi, wait! At last somebody comes here! The only one who has visited me under the 15 years I have been shipwrecked here is a madman called HubbaBubba! He has refused to get help, and has turned me into his Bitch-"

Here Mr Deutch shot the poor man/Bitch.

"It was the most humane thing to do."

"How d'you mean?" Paddy asked.

"Eeer… He did not have to suffer anymore… Jawohl…" Mr Deutsch trailed.

In fact Mr Deutsch had noticed his wife's gaze full with poorly disguised desire towards the man's six-pack (he had exercised in 15 years in hopes of succeeding to beat HubbaBubba one day).

The family explored the island. The only interesting thing they found was a stinking, mouldy hut.

"I think we should live on the boat", said Merry dissatisfied.

"I agree", said Paddy and glowered sullenly at the hut.

Mrs Deutch, who still was exasperated, fizzed: "Well come then, murderers and brats!"

But as they reached the shore they saw that the boat was on the point of disappearing in the horizon, with the shot, but still alive, man happily waving.

The family went crestfallenly back to the hut.

"But I turn eleven tomorrow! I want presents!" Merry whined as the spoiled whipster he was.

Paddy, who was exceedingly happy that Merry would not be leaving him, refused to release his grip of Merry's leg.

"Jawohl, I promise that you will get your presents when we come home", Mr Deutsch said patiently.

Then they heard a strenuous blatter against the fragile roof. As they ran out (Merry had to battle as Paddy still held on tight to his leg) they saw a lot of birds of all possible types (remarkable many Great Tits) were dumping garbage on the hut. When they looked closer they saw that it was letters. Each one was identical and addressed to

**Merry Poppis,**

**The-hut-on-the-island,**

**England.**

Merry opened a letter and let Mr Deutsch read it.

"**WARNING! CRANK LETTER! THE LAST WARNING!**

**We have noticed that You have not purchased Your wizardry material and are not intending to go to Frogwarts. Therefore the Keeper of the Keys HubbaBubba (!) will come and get You (!!!). We recommend You to prepare Yourself for pain and fear."**

"Dammit, such bossy bastards", Merry howled angrily and began to run in circles. Paddy, who already was out of balance, was vomiting vehemently. Mrs Deutch giggled and danced jitterbug in pure bliss.

"What will we do!?!" screamed Paddy panicked.

"I'm tired. Let's go to sleep", Merry said and yawned so the saliva spurted.

Swedish dictionary:

Schlagerbööög = schlagerbög: "schlager" = a kind of music style, like pop but worse, "bög" = fag, gay, homosexual man

Typ = kind of/like

Ba = slang for "bara" = just

Myling = the phantasmal incarnations of the souls of unbaptized or murdered children – only known in Scandinavia


	4. The madman's emissary HubbaBubba!

**4. The madman's emissary alias The baby snatcher alias HubbaBubba!!!**

Merry had just discovered that he could read time by the device which was ticking at the wall in the hut and consequently knew that the time was midnight. He knew that this day was his birthday, but also the day when HubbaBubba would come and take him away from Paddy, to that terrible school called Gaywarts… Or was it Frogwarts? Merry was unsure on which name, but he did not actually care. The most essential was his presents which he had not gotten yet.

Just when he was going to sleep on top of his uncle German's stomach in the minty pile they and Paddy made up (Buttercup had usurped the only couch in the paltry hut), then the door burst open with a bang which made everyone jump up, startled. It took some time before they spotted a big man with an axe in the wrack of the hut. The man had big black messy hair, crazy rolling eyes and looked very aggressive. Of course Buttercup immediately fell for him.

Everyone glared a bit more before the glint, I mean the goat, no I mean the GIANT, uttered. (See, I CANN SPELL!)

"Eeeeeee hello", he said in the most villainous way he could, because he was evil, very evil. (At least, everyone who had met him thought so.)

"… hi…?" said German friendly questioningly.

"He he he eeee I 'ssume you've already kneow why 'm here huh? I'm here to collec' Merry Poppis." He turned against Paddy who tried to smile but failed. "Damn howa fat you've become Merry, fatso."

This hurt Paddy into the very depth of his soul. He said huffily: "You're not that fit yourself you fatass. And besides my name is Paddy, we don't know a Mary Poppins."

"Escuse mii that I was born witha huge bone structure!" HubbaBubba resentfully blurted out.

He gripped the real Merry Poppis and screamed in his trousers. "Suu it's ye who'sa Merry?"

Merry nodded discontented, morose over being exposed. Hastily he buttoned his trousers and crossed his arms. Meanwhile, Buttercup sent seductive glances at HubbaBubba, who did not get it at all. He thought maybe that she had something in her eye. He spat helpfully and punctual in both her eyes, which sent Buttercup into a stumble spurt out of the hut with an abyssal shriek.

"Euuw how rank", Paddy commented.

"By da we Merry, I've somethin' fo ye", HubbaBubba said and fumbled with the hand underneath his coat, "Congrats on da birthdai".

He pulled out a box. Merry opened it and found…

"A pizza! Wow, thanks!" Merry eagerly chewed half of the pizza while Paddy also took a big bite. "What's the black stuff?"

"Minced cockroaches ye see", said HubbaBubba contently. The piggy children immediately vomited vehemently. HubbaBubba as usual did not understand anything, but did not bear to care about it. Instead he heavy-handedly grabbed Merry's arm with the words "Now we piss off to Dumbo alley for buyin' a lot of crap to yer school start, lad!"

"No, dammit!" Merry glared, "I don't want to! Uncle German, do something!"

Mr Deutsch picked up the gun he had earlier shot the stranger with. "Let my hatchling alone!"

HubbaBubba gave German the finger, grabbed onto Merry harder and flew out from the hut. Together they flew over the sea and in towards London. Merry screamed like a stung pig the first hour, but then remembered that he was tired and fell asleep.


	5. Dumbo alley

**Dumbo alley**

When he woke up Merry discovered that his head was mysteriously placed in a chimney. He pulled out his head, sat down on the chimney and played myling for a while until HubbaBubba arrived. Merry asked where he had been but got no reply. He decided to shrug it off and do as the giant said. He tried to hold hands with the giant and said: "Can we eat breakfast?"

"Neo, ye got pizza yesterday, spoiled brat."

"But it was disgusting."

"But shuddup now ye brat, now we'll go to Dumbo alley."

"What kind of place is it?"

"An alley with wizards' stuff, duuh!" HubbaBubba tossed Merry from the roof and then jumped down on him. Merry felt rather sick for the rest of the day, which was fully understandable in the view of HubbaBubba's weight (500 kg).

They went into a scruffy club, called The hot cauldron. Inside the music was beating like in a disco. The first thing Merry saw when he came in was half naked strippers, both men and women, who danced around poles.

"So, this is a church, isn't it?" said Merry, who never had gone to a church. HubbaBubba just grunted as reply.

Suddenly the music was turned off and all the spotlights reversed towards Merry.

Merry, who had severe stage fright, reacted drastically; the sweat spurted in all directions, his pupils grew huge, the knees shook and he bit his tongue. "Ouch."

"MERRY POPPIS", yelled an insolent stranger who shamelessly ran to Merry, grabbed a handful of his hair, whence he raced away to sell his new treasure on E-bay.

The rest of the rabble approached Merry slowly with fascinated looks. They began to circulate around him, while they fingered on him here, there and everywhere (HubbaBubba also took the opportunity to fiddle, because he never missed such an opportunity).

"Err… excuse me? D'you have a problem or what?" Merry finally spluttered out.

"HubbaBubba, who became bored to have to share his victim with other people, lifted Merry by the heel and dragged him out. They stood (in Merry's case lay) now in front of a green brick wall.

"Fun place", Merry said, and unfortunately really meant it.

HubbaBubba used his destructive giant fists to crush the wall, and hey presto they were in Dumbo alley. Merry was moderately impressed by the fantastic world famous magical street. He wished that he still stood gawking at the green wall.

HubbaBubba dragged Merry to a big snow white building.

"This is a bank. Greengoodie-bank. It's goosy, I hate tha goblins who'se woerkin' here."

They were meeting two bubbly glad creatures at the door, who instantly sent them in, while they coaxed them into accepting green caramels. Merry ate, because he was self destructive and dumb. The allergic shock which followed was one of his worst. After an epileptic attack, he woke up from one of the goblins motherly and generally charitably dabbing his forehead.

"Are ye done nowe, ye little goosy sissy?" HubbaBubba griped, while he stared despiteful in the direction of the poor innocent goblins. He rolled out his tongue at one of them, who really got his feelings hurt and ran to the toilet, where he wailed for two hours, while another goblin did his best to comfort the wimp.

HubbaBubba threw a rusty key in the eye of another goblin, and ordered it to take them to the vault of Poppis. There they found out that it was the wrong key, because HubbaBubba was a clumsy, failed loser who could not even keep track of a damn key. He gripped the goblin's shirt and lifted him abruptly about three meters up in-flight.

"NOW YE OPEN!" he yelled in the goblin's ear with all his power. The goblin, who thereafter would be known as Deaf Al, nodded panicky, and opened with help of the eye scanner. They stepped inside. Merry was yet again unimpressed. The piles of gold did not astound him at all.

"No pumpkins", he established with apparent disappointment in his voice.

HubbaBubba immediately began, very indiscreetly, to fill his pockets with money, but due to the fact that he was not that smart he took the little bronze knuts (which had a very small value) instead of the gold galleons or the diamonds in the corner.

Later, when they had filled their pockets with Merry's money, and HubbaBubba taken out a secret package from another vault whose content he flat refused to show, asked Merry if he could call HubbaBubba for HB which he assumed he could since HB:s grunt sounded positive.

They bought a lot of things on the list, like books and crap like that. Then HB walked away somewhere, so Merry went into a clothing store by himself. There a hag pinned a Frogwarts dress on him. Thereafter she sutured the dress and pricked Merry with the needle several times. To distract himself from the pain, Merry greeted another ill-fated man-child who was standing a few meters from there.

"Hello", Merry said.

"How do you do, my name is Mallboy, Dragqueen Mallboy." The boy handed Merry a visiting card, "Please call me Mallboy, as I have to avow that I despise my forename, and that I accuse my parents in my darker moments."

"Okeeey… the interest club's taking notes", said Merry scornfully, but still took the visiting card, so that he would be able to phone terrorise Mallboy's parents later. "I'm Merry Poppis."

The other boy looked impressed, but Merry did not get why so he ignored it.

"Wooow, just… WOOOW… WOOOOOOW, seriously, are you JOKING? Seriously? Do you mean it? Is it TRUE??? Ohh, ohmygod I have to sit down… Oh my LORD, I, I mean I get to meet MERRY POPPIS!!! I cannot believe my eyes, it is totally PEERLEEESS!" By this time Mallboy had gone berserk, and jumped enthusiastically around the shop, hollering, and shouting "MERRY POPPIS! OMG, OMG!!!"

Merry thought that the boy was ridiculing him, so left. (Later HB had to go get the clothes for him.)

Merry went out to the window peeking HB, who was snacking an enormous ice cream cone.

"Can I taste? Pleeeaaase…?"

"Hell no. My ice cream. Here ye get a flamingo instead. It reminds me ofe ye. Goosy and sucha like."

Merry received the fowl without thanking or making any other gesture resembling politeness, then they went off to _Olive-Anders' olive and wand store_.

A very old, frail and mouldering geezer met them in the doorway. "Olives or wands?"

"Wand, please", said Merry with an unusually polite tone.

The geezer tossed the nearest wand to him. "Try this one."

Merry waved a little with the stick. An octopus appeared on Olive-Anders' head.

"Seems to work, take it."

"I don't like it, can't I try another one?"

"Cope. This will do. Take it, pay, and do not come back."

Merry paid the stiff price, and strode away, disgruntled as usual.

A bit later, when Merry had bought himself a hamburger, he sat down on a bench where HB sat as he poked hard at Merry's flamingo with a fork. The flamingo howled chirpingly as HB sniggered unexacting.

"By the way, HB, why did it seem like the people at The hot cauldron recognize me?" wondered Merry, who had reflected on that the entire day.

"You're kinda famous or somethin'", HB said.

"Any particular reason? Some more details, thank you!"

"OK OK, I tell ye da whole story to ye then", sighed HB, "Okey… For so-so 10 years agoe there was a terrorist geezer named Lord Violenty, who tried to take over da world. He was quita crummy in da beginnin', but fore some reason many thought that he was charmin' so they joined hisa club. Lord Violenty o co did a lot ofe monkey business; they stole people's mail, set cats on fire, vandalized, scribbled and killed people who opposed 'em. But one day he decided to kill yer family, dono why, I mean, yer parents were real losers. Anyway he killed 'em, but he was so clumsy that he failed to survive himself. No one knows why. It's why everyone thinks you're a special kid and a hero. Suckers."

"But what happened with Lord Violenty?"

"Most people thinks he died cuz no one has seen him since thata time. But I don't believe in that. It's kinda obvious that he's alive. He probably was sorcerised to a polah bear and lives on the North Pole or at a zoo."

HB got up. "But now I've had enough of ye, brat." He threw a crumpled scrap of paper to Merry. "Here's yer ticket. Now I'm outta here." He rolled out his tongue and took off.

Merry unwrapped the scrip. It was a rail card. Not back home though but to Frogwarts, so he had to get home by himself.

But since Merry was a spoiled little brat he of course had a luxurious cell phone, so he just called his uncle.


	6. The journey from Platform 9 34

**The journey from Platform 9 ¾**

Since he already had purchased his wizard stuff, Merry agreed to begin the school for witchcraft and wizardry. Paddy threatened with suicide, but then gave in because the pressure to starve himself in order to look like Merry was lifted from his shoulders. Merry's bleached hair disappeared too, because Buttercup shaved him of a reason she refused to explain (but everyone assumed that it was pure malice). However it grew out (natural blue-black again) over one night.

Eventually the day for the departure came. The whole family followed Merry to the train station.

It became a sobbingly farewell (except for Buttercup who looked happy for the first time since Merry's school letter came).

"Promise to write every day!" howled Paddy.

"You too!" blubbed Merry.

Then the muggles had to leave since Merry was getting late. He dragged his heavy luggage and Headpick (the flamingo – it had got its name due to its habit of picking everyone in the head who came nearby) to the pillar between platform 9 and 10. As usual he did not understand how to get on the train, but for once it was not because he was stupid, but because HB had disregarded to tell him how to do.

Therefore Merry began to occupy himself in one of his favourite occupations: stare at strangers. He chose a red-haired family with weasel-looking appearance. He sneaked closer in order to eavesdrop.

"Come on, run through the wall!" said she who seemed to be the mother, "We are late! I think…"

"Yes we are, dear mum", said the oldest of the sons and kissed his mother on the forehead. Merry thought he looked silly with his goosy pink shirt.

The pantywaist took subsequently his luggage and ran straight into a pillar.

_What an idiot,_ Merry thought,_ he's even dumber than me_.

The pantywaist disappeared without a trace.

"WHAT!?! Where did he go?" Merry burst out without thinking.

The rest of the weasels peered at him. The mother recuperated first.

"And who are you, little boy?" she said and tweaked him in the cheek, which resulted in Merry not being able to answer properly.

"Eeee do you need help to come to the platform?" she said.

"But muuum", sighed the only daughter, "He can be like, a muggle, liiike! Hellooo?"

"Dear me! Oh dear!" the mother eased the grip on Merry's cheek, which was completely white by now. "Are you a muggle?"

"Noo", Merry said acidly. He stroked himself over the cheek which was aching intensively. He did not like this woman, but on the other hand there were few who won Merry's favour, and it was usually mutually. "Can you just tell me exactly where this darned platform is, bothersome person." He waved his ticket one centimetre from the woman's hawk nose.

"Sure my little friend", said the woman, apparently total unaffected by the brasses. "Just run into the wall over there", she said and pointed diffusedly in the direction of one of the pillars.

Merry who never unnecessarily reflected his thoughts, did immediately as she said. Three seconds later he felt tremendous agony, there he lay and squirmed on the floor.

"Zowie, oh dear, what happened?" the frump said confused.

"Buut muuummyy! Seriouslyyy, wrong wall, duuh", said the bratty kid.

"Oh, right… I am sorry little darling, my bad. It is that wall", the woman said apologetically, and pointed in the opposite direction.

"Damn stupid harridan", Merry muttered angrily to himself, and ran thereafter into the right wall.

A big steam locomotive appeared in front of his eyes. He stood and stared at the platform and all the strangers in odd clothes, a bit too long, one of the red-haired boys happened to run straight into him so the both of them fell in a pile on the floor.

"Oopsie", said the boy and rose slowly. Merry noticed how lingering this boy moved to be such a young person. The boy was tall, but moved very humpbacked, and gave the impression that he could fall asleep any second. His watery blue eyes were almost totally hidden by his eyelids. Merry liked him immediately, of some particular reason.

"Who the heck are you, you blunderer?" Merry asked impolitely.

"Rolle Weasly", spluttered the guy listlessly; "An' you?"

"Merry Poppis", replied Merry shortly.

"Hmpf", said Rolle and lounged away. Merry followed him with his gaze, and saw him meeting Mallboy, the guy from the clothes shop. Mallboy waved brightly to Rolle, which made Merry feel even more nostalgic for Paddy.

Merry soon became busy with trying to drag his enormous trunk into a coupé. While he struggled, another one of Rolle's brothers came to him.

"You're weak, aren't you?" he scorned Merry's tiny body. Another one of the brothers with the red hair joined them. This boy resembled the first one so much that Merry assumed that they were twins, or possibly clones.

"Freckle… I'm sorry to bother you, but… can't you be a bit nicer to the little boy? Huh?" stuttered the twin with quaking voice.

"D'you want to live, Google? If that's the case I suggest that you withdraw as soon as possible", answered Freckle with a sinister voice. Then he began to chase his brother, who ran away with a panicked face.

Merry, who now had managed to squeeze the bag into the empty coupé, sat down and peeped out through the little window. Since he did not have a life he liked to observe those who had one. He got sight of the Weasly family, who now had gathered right outside his window.

"Where are we now again", asked Mrs Weasly with too positive voice.

"We are on platform 9 ¾ since we are departing for Frogwarts, the wizard school", the pantywaist said.

"Aha! Certainly, thank you Piercy", the mummy exclaimed. Piercy was a fitting name to the pantywaist thought Merry, since Piercy actually had a king-size lip piercing, which looked very misplaced, towards the rest of the pantywaist's so house-proud and neat apparition. Merry guessed that Piercy merely had got the piercing so it could match his name.

The engine now began to roll, so all Weasly the children, except for the girl, had to run and jump aboard on the train.

"Adieu mother, adieu Finny!" shouted Piercy.

"Bye bro'", replied the bothersome kid. She made ugly grimaces where she stood, while blowing pink bubbles with her big gum.

Rolle fell into the coupé after a while. "Hi there. I'll sleep he…" was everything he got out before he fainted across the seats opposite Merry. Then Mallboy arrived, in company with two tall big boys.

"God day Mr Poppis! How pleasant to meet you again", Mallboy cheerfully burst out, "Let me introduce my dear friends: Rolle Weasly, who is lying and taking a nap, something he often devotes himself to. Here, at my left side, stands Vincent von Crab. ("He is a little bit introvert", Mallboy added with lower voice) Here at my right side stands the enchanting Mr Greger Giggle, who prefers to be called Miss Giggle."

Merry observed the big couple. Vincent von Crab seemed a bit shady; he looked round himself suspiciously all the time, while he mumbled something inaudibly, non-stop. Miss Giggle on the other hand, who was dressed in a pretty pinkish tutu which exposed a lot more of his hairy legs than anyone would ever want to see, stood and giggled and spread flirty glances all over the place.

"And this, my gentlemen and my… ehrhm… lady… this is Merry Poppis, famous for the deed, when he as a baby defeated the evil You-know-who", continued Mallboy.

"Can't you just get out of here and leave me alone! Cornballs", Merry roared suddenly.

"He's really volatile, isn't he?" the transvestite remarked.

"BUT CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!!" Merry looked totally mad by now; his face was blood red, he had a nosebleed since he was so upset and chewed froth of anger.

"OK OK do not explode on us now, we will leave if you want us to", Mallboy said and backed carefully from there with Miss Giggle and von Crab behind him, or in front of him, if one would say.

Merry then sat alone, with the exception of the snoring Rolle, and moped. Then a frump arrived with a lunch-wagon.

"You want anything?" she asked since it was her job to offer the students fattening lunches containing unhealthy stuff such as chocolate frogs, cauldron cookies etc.

Merry bought quite a lot of pumpkin pies and pumpkin lemonade, sat down and munched and hereafter got an allergic reaction as usual. Rolle grunted in his sleep and turned away from Merry. When he moved his slumbering rat woke up. It watched Merry curiously, ate some crumbs Merry had spilled and then rolled up and went to sleep again.

Suddenly a screw nut rolled in through the crack under the door. Merry took it up and sucked on it for a while. Then the door was hoicked. Merry jerked, and happened to unintentionally swallow the screw nut.

"Have you seen my screw nut?" asked the boy who had opened the door. His super bleached, almost white, hair sprawled in all directions, and he was skewing and rolling with his eyes. Merry hiccupped.

"Er…" he said and imitated the boy's crazy eyes, "I happened to swallow it, sort of."

"You happened to what!?!"

" I happened to swallow it."

"I heard what you said, I just wonder why you did something so stupid!"

"I just sucked on it a little, it was actually you who scared me so I swallowed it!"

"Why were you sucking on my screw nut? Are you stupid or what?"

Merry shrugged. "Fun. Impulse."

"Fun? FUN! That screw nut came from the first robot I built myself! It was special, it meant a lot to me." The other boy was crying by now.

"I'm sorry. But if it was so important, then how could you lose it, huh?"

"Yeah but I'm absentminded! All mad geniuses are absentminded."

"OK, I promise that you'll get it back later, when my body's done with it."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. And I would be grateful if you clean it before you give it back!" The boy seemed gladder now. "By the way, my name's Deville Shortbottom."

Merry looked stealthily at Deville's bottom. It was, as the surname indicated, almost totally nonexistent.

_Wonder if the forename suits him too_, Merry reflected.

Suddenly Rolle fell down from the seats.

"Eeeh, are we there yet? Where's Mallboy?"

"He cleared out, and no, we're not there yet." However, before Merry had attained to finish the sentence Rolle had managed to fall asleep again. He snored and drooled.

_How disgusting_, Merry thought.

Deville kicked Rolle in the head so he woke up. "Eeeh…?"

"You should change to your garments, we're probably there soon." Deville, who already had changed to the plum purple, spangled dress and the maroon turban, advised.

Many hours later they had reached their destination. Merry had spent the time watching an instruction video about how to ride water-skiis which they had shown on the train for some reason. It was not that he had been that attentive, since he had severe concentration difficulties. Anyway, now they were there.

"All first-years, gather aroun' me now!" Merry heard a familiar voice when he got off the train. With terror, Merry realized that the voice belonged to HubbaBubba. "Nowe come here!"

HB held an empty bucket. Merry went reluctantly forward to him. Merry sighed relieved when HB did not show any signs of recognition.

"Lay yer condoms here in thisa bucket an' put on the water-skiis!" Everyone put down their condoms. Merry noted that the most of them were magical and constantly changed colour.

_Cool_, he thought impressed.

"What will you do with them by the way?" Deville asked critically.

"I collect, ye see", said HB proudly, "Ye can come to my mini-castle an' look sometime!"

A common shudder moved through the first-year students. Everyone reminded themselves to avoid HB and his mini-castle.

"Have ye put on da skiis yet then? Good! Then we go."

HB tied a rope onto a big motorboat while the pupils formed a human pyramid.

"An' if ye drop down ye have to swim, so try to ride as long as pussible." He sat down in the boat and pressed the petal to the metal before anyone was prepared.

Half of the pupils fell down within the first 15 meters. Merry was of course one of them. Since he could not swim, he sank as a rock. Rolle was already lying at the bottom and slept, but he was quickly rescued from to "sleep forever" by Mallboy. Merry was also rescued by von Crab and Miss Giggle (Merry became reluctantly impressed at how Miss Giggle's skirt moved in the water).

Despite that the pupils had to swim rather far it did not take a long time to arrive on the shore, since they were chased by unidentifiable sea monsters. HB and the very few pupils who had made it all the way were standing and waiting for them. Without waiting for the very last ones (that Merry actually did not belong to) HB went into the school/castle and left the door wide open. The pupils assumed that they should follow him and so they did.


	7. The Sorting Potty

**The Sorting Potty**

When they had come intra the door they were met by a middle-aged witch, honour of the evening dressed in pink net tights, leopard patterned blouse with way to deep cleavage and very tight hotpants of spandex. HB was tracelessly missing, but no one saw his sudden absence as something negative.

"Welcome to Frogwarts little sweethearts", she greeted them with sweeping eyelashes, "I am professor McDreamagall, and I teach in transfiguration. You will soon be appointed… eh, undergo the sorting ceremony, where you will be sorted in one of the four student hostels; Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. Meanwhile you will wait in here", she said and pointed at a door.

All the children were subsequently jostled into a broom cupboard, where they appalled and hypothermic sat huddled together on the floor, next to the mops. Merry, who did not have sense enough to be awestruck, greased himself with scouring agent and slid around, and danced some break dance on the minimal floor space.

After about an hour they heard voices, but it was not because they were schizophrenics, but because some ghosts had trodden through the closed door.

"Hello", said an unusual obese ghost, which looked way to massive to be someone without a physical body.

"You are the first-years, are you not?" wondered a ghost without a head.

"Naturally you sliver, they are in the first-years' cubbyhole!" roared a creepy ghost with a bloody apron.

Then the ghosts went off as they already were bored and wanted to party.

The door disrupted and in came an old geezer with the beard twined three turns around the waist. The pupils waited in vain for him to say something, but the man just sat down and peered up on the ceiling. After a couple of minutes the silence began to feel uncomfortable for even the most untalented. Finally Mallboy uttered.

"I beg your pardon my gentleman, but who are you?"

The geezer just sniggered, and now peered at Mallboy instead. After a couple of minutes, when Mallboy already had given up a response from the odd shuffler, the stranger at last said something.

"S W E E T S. I want sweets. Now. Gimme, it was actually on the list!"

"Err… Our luggage isn't here yet, we'd to leave it on the train," said a boy with rat coloured hair.

"I understand", the geezer said, rose and went off. Just before the door clanged after him he winked so they would follow him. They followed the man, because they accepted whichever apology for finally leave the cubbyhole.

The geezer began to jog rapidly upstairs, they followed him in the hocks as good as they could (their limbs were stiff of cold). They began to totally loose the hope when they had lagged behind quite hearty after the fourth stair. But then they saw the geezer turn sharply and scoot downstairs again. Yet again the pupils followed, now downstairs, until they reached the level they had started on. The man disrupted the door closest the broom cupboard and rushed inside. The pupils went panting inside too.

Suddenly they were on a gigantic stage, in an even bigger hall filled with people who were staring at them. It was dead silent in the hall. On the stage was also a big old potty on a red stool.

"Oho you are here now", McDreamagall said, "It took quite some time huh? Fair enough, sorting time!"

The potty burst out in merry song:

"_Oh you may not think that I am pretty,_

_But don't judge me yet you external bastards,_

_I promise to pee on myself if you can find_

_A smarter potty than me_

_You can keep your damned turbans,_

_And your water-closets which are new and clean,_

_For I'm the Frogwarts sorting potty_

_And therefore I beat the crap out of all the others,_

_There's nothing hidden in your head_

_That I not immediately can reveal and tell everyone,_

_Sit down on me and I shall say_

_In which home you rather ought to be,_

_You perhaps fit best in Gryffindor;_

_Where impulsive idiots with reckless hearts live_

_Whose foolishness always has amazed,_

_You differ from the mass of students_

_You may belong in Hufflepuff,_

_Where all the gutless turds live,_

_Yes the Hufflepuffs readily hide from maniacs,_

_And never hesitate to do others homework,_

_Haply are your home Ravenclaw,_

_For there all nerds' and geeks' refuge is,_

_And only think about school all the time,_

_Will there always find other brainiacs,_

_Or maybe in Slytherin,_

_Where everybody else comes,_

_Since they lack personality,_

_Where decently normal humans try to survive_

_So put now on the potty, do not be horrified,_

_Do not have the shivers, for I can promise_

_That you are in safe hands (though I have none)_

_For I'm thinking potty!!!"_

The whole hall broke out in pattering applauses. Especially the old geezer seemed to have appreciated the song. Rolle, who had been in a kind of half-sleeping hibernation, jerked and looked surprised around.

McDreamagall said: "When I array your name you shall go to the pot and sit down on it. Hannah Bass!"

A fishlike girl with web between the fingers ran eagerly along and sat down on the potty. Some seconds later the potty burst out:

"Hufflepuff, and you like to eat raw fish!"

The Hufflepuff table applauded, and Hannah, who blushed deeply, joined them.

Every time the potty called out a pupil's new hostel it added a secret too, presumably the one which was the most humiliating for the pupil in question.

After a while it was Mallboy's turn.

"Slytherin, and you sort your clothes after colour scale!"

He joined von Crab and Miss Giggle who had landed in the same student hostel.

Soon it was Merry's turn.

_Finally, this sucks_, he thought.

"_Merry Poppis_", whispered the potty with muffled voice from Merry's rump, "_Simple choice… You're way too abnormal for Slytherin, too unmindful for Hufflepuff, and definitively too stupid for Ravenclaw! On the other hand are you more than enough impulsive and dumb for Gryffindor."_

"Gryffindor, and you're way too stupid to feel ashamed for any of your many wacky habits!"

Merry was all too unobservant (and uninterested) to notice that he got the most applauds so far.

A few minutes later Deville sat himself on the potty.

"Gryffindor, and you want to take over the world!" howled the potty.

Deville became entirely tomato red in the face and cried angry tears.

"YOU EXPOSED MY SECRET PLAN! FUCKING POTTY!!!" he screamed upset. With an insane face he lifted up the heavy potty and dumped it on the floor. However the potty bounced totally unharmed back up in the air, straight in Deville's face and broke his nose. Even more humbled Deville sat down opposite Merry.

When Rolle's name was arrayed he jerked again. He shuffled along to the potty and collapsed on it.

"Please let me come to Slytherin", he pleaded.

"I'd let you come there, but since you pleaded so nice you'll come to Gryffindor, because you despise all impulsive fools there!"

The applauses defaulted. All the Gryffindors glowered angrily at Rolle, except Merry who had forgotten which student hostel he belonged to.

After the sorting rose the most distorted headmaster the world had beheld in a very long time.

"Welcome all children!!!" he said and cackled. "I see that you all are here and are really hungry, hence I'll be short." Thereon he read Shakespeare's Hamlet which took maybe two hours. He screamed heartbreaking, sobbing and griping under the saddest parts, that is to say mostly under the last 10 minutes.

Merry was hungry, surly and considered many times to interrupt the headmaster, but every time he was stopped by Piercy, who sat next to him and thought that it was audacious to disrupt someone, even if this someone was crazy. At last the headmaster quieted and began thereafter speak about school rules for one quarter hour more. When everyone had fallen asleep (except Rolle who just had woken up for once) or fainted of hunger, the headmaster illuminated that they had to go to bed without food since it was so late. Piercy and the other Perfects led the other hungry pupils to their dormitories. Merry was so tired that he did not even cope to look around.


	8. The sad emo teacher

**The sad emo teacher/the vampire wannabe**

Merry stumbled downstairs to the Great Hall where he found pigs in human form. The pupils gobbled their breakfast down since they had not eaten anything for twenty-four hours. Merry ate a bit less than the others since he hated all food which was not homemade by the mean Buttercup. Rolle, who had followed Merry to the dining room like a zombie, fell asleep in the porridge stew.

Professor McDreamagall, who was more dressed than usual in a pink-purple transparent silk dressing gown, pulled out a bunch of schedules which had been crumpled in her bra, and threw them negligently at the pupils. Merry studied his schedule and let his breakfast neighbour read it for him (then Merry drew little pictures in the boxes so that he would understand which lesson he would have). The first lesson was potions. Rolle, who just had awakened, sleepily looked at his schedule, put it in the pocket with some crackers (he had not eaten any breakfast) and followed his class down to the classroom.

Down in the cellar caverns the potions teacher waited. He looked very malicious; he had black shoulder-length hair and emo fringe, eyeliner lines under his eyes and a star next to his left eye. He also had solely black clothes, but his cauldron was for some reason made of sparkling diamonds.

The children sat down, the teacher closed the door and drew the curtains (to be strictly accurate there were no windows but he thought it looked cosy with ugly textiles on the brick walls).

"Hi. I am professor Smirk and I will educate you in potions." He did not sound too enthusiastic. He gazed at the children, bored. "Potions is a bit like housecraft, it means that you will prepare several brews. But I warn you, if you do not want to die young, do not drink any potions that I have not cleared. Any questions?"

Everyone peered at him, no one said anything.

"Okaaay… so then it is OK if we have a little introduction on the basics, we will not make any potions today since it is your first lesson." His gaze swept over the class again, and now it caught Merry. He looked Merry in the eyes a few seconds, thereafter he turned away and began to cry quietly.

Merry peered stupidly for a moment. Then he said with a soft, kind voice: "You… Can I call you Smirky?" The whole class now peeked at the crying teacher. "And why are you weeping, are you a girl or what?" asked Merry then with a tantalizing voice.

"Call me Professor", replied professor Smirk shortly.

The rest of the lesson moved on without any more special events. The other following lessons that day were too boring to be mentioned in this book. Anyway, at dinner Merry to his embarrassment received a mail. It was embarrassing because the owls normally delivered the records at breakfast. But since Merry did not have an owl like normal kids, but a half blind flamingo with the IQ of a celery, he could not count with getting his records intime.

The letter was from HB:

_Hi Merry,_

_Comenow an' stare a bit onmy collect ion,_

_ye can bring yer little frien nds (if ye have some ;P)._

_Seee ye!!!_

_P.S; if ye dont come ill go for ye._

Merry shivered. But since he did not think that he had a choice, he set course on HB:s mini-castle later that evening. He did not want to go alone (understandably) so he lured Rolle with him ("Hi follow me, I'm going to PILLOW COUNTRY!"). Rolle, who was quite off, followed of course without further reflections. The only words he had taken in were in any case one of his favourite words; pillows.

At six o'clock they stood in front of HB:s doorway.

"Do I dare to knock?" Merry whispered frighteningly.

"Pillow?" said Rolle, totally retarded.

Before they attained to knock, the door opened. In the doorway a dreadful view appeared; HB with a big happy smile.

"Ohh it's ye", he said as if he had not invited them, "But oh deer, ye've onley ONE friend, even I who'm so unprepossessin' have more friends." He went in and waved at them to follow him. Rolle had already fallen asleep so Merry had to drag him in.

"I'LL GIVE YE A GUIDED TOUR", HB roared enthusiastically, "Nice house I've here, ye see, we can begin here from belowe", he said while he rubbed his hands.

They came in to the first room. It was a big alighted hall with lots of show glasses. They contained condoms in all the colours of the rainbow.

Merry and Rolle (who had woken up) stopped where they were standing for a moment and burst out in chorus; "Oooooooooooh!"

"Impressin', isn't it? I've supposedly the world's most exlusive collection."

Merry was actually impressed, despite his disappointment over the absence of pumpkins. Rolle on the other hand fell asleep almost instantly by drabness.

According as they went by show glass after show glass HB commented and gave them some interesting facts, for example: "These are some ine nineteenth-century styla, note da inscriptive initials. OOOH, THESE, they're real rarities! It's in thisa case I've the moust precious ones, like these who're decorated witha gold sand and little diamonds, or have belonged to cilebrities…" HB waffled on for hours and hours. When the guided tour finally was over it was about two am, and HB shooed Merry with the sleeping Rolle on his back outside.

"Can I borrow a wheelbarrow or something to drag him home with?"

"Nope", HB said and closed the door.


End file.
